just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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