Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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