how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
