That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
