I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
and you said cock pushups were impossible
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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