I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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