That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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