So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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