I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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