i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
