that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
