Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
