my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
