Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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