there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
