I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
