My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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