I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There r osticjed everywhere
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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