I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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