I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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