i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
