Pappa wants mamma naked
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
