I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
