It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
