capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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