I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
