I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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