captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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