We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
