last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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