Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
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