I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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