I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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