I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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