I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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