Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
