my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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