dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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