Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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