I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
