This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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