honey bunches of taint.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
