FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
