my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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