You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
