What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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