T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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