She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
