Plan B is the new Plan A
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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