We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
