I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
