Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she smelled like a LAN party
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Farmville is her only friend.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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