i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
