After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
